Somewhere in the dark shining mind of me.....

Wow, time flies....

2011-09-14T09:43:00.000-07:00

So I came across my blog today and realized I haven't posted here in about a year! WOW! Time really flies! I guess Facebook has replaced my blog ;) I kind of miss it though. I think I will try to start making time to visit here more. A LOT has changed in the last year... we moved, got another dog, Kreid started school! Zoie is walking and growing everyday! I AM A STAY AT HOME MOM/WIFE!! Jack is in school full time with 2 jobs and doing extremely well! (Have I mentioned how much I love this man!?!?) I love my life so much that all those horrible times seem like a book I read... or a figment of my imagination. Wow, time flies.

Skillet - Whispers in the dark (Official Music Video HD) Subtitles Engli...

2010-09-18T18:41:00.000-07:00

Spirituality vs Religion

2010-09-12T13:35:00.000-07:00

Happy New Year

2009-12-31T20:31:00.000-08:00

You know you're old when New Years Eve is spent in your living room w/the "Barnstein Bears" playing on repeat in the DVD player, your husband is playing video games on his laptap, the Dog is asleep under the couch, the apt appears to've been bombed by a 4yr old and you've drank enuff coffee to stimulate 3 dead ppl just to try & make it until midnight (which u still probably won't) & the thought of ringing in the New Year with ANY form of sexual activity is simply out of the question since you prefer to be awake during such rare occasions. Happy New Year All.

..............

2009-11-29T16:15:00.000-08:00

"And I still believe in the good....
and I still believe in the light...
I wanna feel the sun...
I wanna free you tonight."
-In This Moment

I really miss you Daddy.....

What station is this???

2009-11-17T20:12:00.000-08:00

I hear songs in my head almost simultaneously.....

"I see trees of green... red roses too..."
"And I think to myself.... what a wonderful world...." (Louis Armstrong)

"It's the end of the world as we know it... " (REM)

"Jesus loves me this I know...." (anyone)

"and now ya do what they told ya.... (now you're under control) and now ya do what they TOLD ya!!" (repeat over and over) (RATM)

"Here's to you Mrs. Robinson... Jesus loves you more than you will know... Oh, Oh, Oh" (Caroline Spine Version)

"some say the end is near, some say we'll see Armageddon soon... I certainly hope we will.... I sure could use a vacation from this bullshit..." ( TOOL)

"You're my world... the shelter from the rain.... in this world where nothing else is true, here I am still tangled up in you" (STAIND)

"Despite the lies that you're making, your love is Mine for the taking... My love is just waiting to turn your tears to roses.... I will be the one that's gonna hold you, I will be the one that you run to, My love is a burning consuming fire! No, you'll never be alone, when darkness comes I'll light the night with stars, hear the whispers in the dark." (SKILLET)

I could go on forever.... my life is a soundtrack to all the evil and chaos wrapped in love that we call "world." I think I may have "Spiritual ADD"... I go from feeling elated like I can change the world, earnestly seeking truth and trying honestly to apply it to my life... to sobbing so hysterically all over my couch that there's a snot line from one cushion to the other because of the evil we never hear about...... like children being used as sex slaves as young as the age of 3, people being tortured because other people "get bored..." while we're out shopping and playing house people are suffering and dying, and yes I know, there's nothing new under the son ....but I become speechless to my Creator and my knees show signs of unvaccumed carpet with embedded Pringle crumbs and for that time I feel so pathetic to have EVER complained about ANYTHING in my ENTIRE life that I don't even deserve to speak. All I can do is cry.... and know that He knows my thoughts.... and tell Him that He better "take" these people before they physically die because otherwise I can make NO sense out of such torture... and yes, to answer that question in the back of your mind, I DO feel the same way about the crucifixtion of Christ.... whether you or I believe Him to be Messiah, Savior or NOT... for ANYONE to suffer such pain is against everything I believe to be Gods will..... and just so you know I believe He felt every bit of it..... and I still can't swallow that. Some days I feel very "big"... ready to live out my mission of love and hope and spread it to the world..... others days I feel like been chewed up and spit out by a religious machine and I get so pissed off at the darkness and evil that I just WANT OUT. I don't want to believe it's happening... I don't want to hear about it.... I don't want to pray about it... hell, I don't even WANT to believe in a God that would "allow" it!!!!!! But then.... I know I need to step away from the maddness (eg. TV, computer, books) find my "quiet" place (even if it's only for a minute while I shower) go back to the Source of my being and be still.... and KNOW that He is not only God, but good.... and not only good, but LOVE... and love NEVER fails... So I try again.

Peace in, Peace out.

Ending endless.....

2009-10-30T16:39:00.000-07:00

sometimes i wonder if it will ever end
i get dizzy in the swirls of darkness and light
is there anyway out of this cage?

your gripping fear, masked control to own me....
i seek serenity, after all of this i still stand
can i go now?

isolating, i find myself in the closet of my mind...
still running from you, can i cut you out
relief, please find me here.

courage to change, wisdom to know
strength to see me through....
i have to go, His voice is calling
death find the part of me that's you.

“There are two things a person should never be angry at, what they can help, and what they cannot.”

2009-09-05T13:08:00.000-07:00

Why am I so angry? and who exactly am I angry with?? This has been eating at me for awhile now..... For 13yrs I was married/divorced/reconciled to an addict who seemed to believe that abuse in any form was "fun".... it made him feel bigger and better on the outside because nothing existed inside.... unfortunately, this did quite a bit of damage to myself and 2 oldest sons. For years I thought I was the problem, had very low self-esteem, if any... and literally thought I was going crazy.... funny how they can turn EVERYTHING around on YOU even when you're doing everything right and make you BELIEVE that you are the problem. I guess where I'm going with this, is I have healed from MOST of the damage.... ( so I thought...) but still have a long way to go and can't seem to understand my anger. I rarely think of him, and when I do it's because he's brought up in conversation with my boys or he's going back in or getting back out of jail and I'm trying to make sure I and they are protected.... but I don't sit on the pity pot and think " oh poor me, why did I have to go through all of that... blah..blah..blah..." I'm not even angry over what he did to me.... I am however furious over the damage it did to my boys... and then I struggle with WHO am I more angry with??? Him for doing it??? or ME for being stupid enough to think it wouldn't happen again the 10th, 15th and 20th time...... and am I really angry? or am I just so USED to being in darkness and feeling that tug of bitterness and resentment in my gut that it became "part" of me??? like my own addiction??? Why is it that I can see myself in 3rd person and know EXACTLY what I'm doing wrong, know EXACTLY what I NEED to do to make it right but yet I can't seem to put into action or the words necessary for healing to take place here? My husband should not have to suffer for the choices in my past nor what anyone else has done to me... and if I expect my children to live in happiness and deal with anger appropriately as oppossed to the way their father does, how can I myself expect them to do this if I don't know how to do it myself? I can willingly allow and even ask God to come into the darkest areas of my spirit and do His work within me and find forgiveness and cleansing..... but for some reason I distance myself from asking or allowing Him to help me with my anger, why is that? Sometimes I think, "Oh, I'll get it.... I don't need to bother God with it.... I just need a little more time..." and other times I think I'm just so angry and stubborn that I isolate myself from everyone INCLUDING my Creator who knows me best!! I can tell that something in me is broken.... and it HAS to be fixed or I inflict damage on others which I do NOT have the right to do. I'm working on releasing my sense of "entitlement" and feeling as though I have "rights" to anything! The only "right" I've truely been given is to LOVE with His love and see the world through His eyes.... I know that only He is able to repair the kind of damage that has been done and I have to have a willing spirit to accomplish this through Him.... Ok God, I'm finished making excuses.....let's do this.

God is in the break room....

2009-09-02T20:46:00.000-07:00

Hey blog, it's me again.... kristie711.

So I'm reading The Shack.... again.... for the 3 time and it's still as though I'm reading it for the first only experiencing it more deeply than I did the 1st and 2nd time.... dare I say, kind of like the Bible!?!? I know, some of you think that God doesn't, can't, won't use, speak through or inspire lil bitty mortals like you and I... but I respectfully disagree. I've heard God in atheistic rock music just as clearly as I've heard Him in the untainted innocence of my 3yr old son.... that's just one of the MANY things that is amazing about my Creator.

It's been a hectic last few weeks... shortly after returning from our honeymoon, Jack lost a very close friend to a motorcycle accident which prompted an abrupt trip to Texas to celebrate his life (which was pretty wild from what I hear, but ya know what?? I saw/heard God there too :-) LOTS! ) Then about a week later, Jack lost a great uncle to cancer and his job has been OFF THE HOOK!!!!! So many addicts that deserve recovery, so little time..... I love what he does, I love watching God work in and through him every day.... but there does come a time when I just wish his phone would stop ringing or that he could just miss that "one" meeting so that we could go to a movie or just enjoy being married!!! It hasn't even been 2 months!! Ok, I'm done whining about that....

In other news, I had one of THE best conversations that I've had in a LOOOONG time with a co-worker the other day... ( I love it when God "coincidentally puts 2 people in the break room at the same time....) we talked about God, recovery, God, music, houses, The Shack, labeling, God....It was the kind of conversation that you just don't want to end! You're both listening intently and mutually learning and teaching all at the same time... it was very inspiring. I hope to get to pick his brain and his spirit more in the future.... it was definitely a "where 2 or more gather in my name" kind of moment.... it was my kind of "church."

So I've been having some very odd dreams lately.... one very dark dream that awoke me in tears and shook me up for a few days.... some involving my insecurities reminding me that I'm still in the healing process from my past.... and some that are just off the wall crazy that I'm not sure what to think of!! Either way, my brain is apparently full and trying to process a lot of information and get it filed! Which is good... because I plan on reading a couple of new books soon and will need the brain space :-)

Good night blog.

It's been awhile.....

2009-08-03T20:55:00.000-07:00

It's been awhile since I've been on! Not sure that anyone reads this anyway but sometimes it's just for me anyhow! Jack and I had a wonderful wedding and honeymoon and I couldn't be more grateful than I am today! I tend to say that daily now.... I think I can't love him anymore and the next day I do!! Just when I think I can't get any closer to God.... I wake up and I am!!! Life is still life with all of it's ups and downs and twists and turns and OMG is it EVER going to slow down!?!?! But, when you have an awareness of spirit and truth.... life becomes TOTALLY different.... I'm currently reading "The Shack"... which, by the way I HIGHLY recommend!!! I'll probably finish it up tonight...and after reading a few blogs and reviews on the said read, I had to just stop even reading what others thought! Of course many, like me... are open minded enough to think for themselves outside the box and are seekers and won't stop at "my preacher said this is right so that's what I believe" bullshit! NOTHING MAKES ME MORE FRUSTRATED THAN SOMEONE NOT KNOWING WHY THEY BELIEVE WHAT THEY STAND SO STRONGLY FOR!!!!!!! However, I remained polite with my "comments" to the small mindedness but it's very sad to me how many people will never fully expereience God and His love due to the many "godly" men / women who claim that "The Shack" is "one of the most evil books in circulation right now!!" OMG..... please..... REALLY???? I mean... did you even READ IT? .....or are you so wrapped up in your religion, traditions, potluck dinners, church socials and TBN that you don't have eyes to see passed the "God as a black woman" and I wonder if you would even know God if He sat down at your kitchen table....... all I know is that I'm blessed beyond measure.... in awe and love with my Creator and am SO thankful that He gave me eyes to see, ears to hear and a mind as open as the sky...... and that I can seek Him for myself. I am thankful for my PERSONAL relationship with Jesus, God and the Holy Spirit.... my Creator.

"Insert Angels Singing Here"

2009-05-08T21:35:00.000-07:00

Well, I started my new job this last Monday and I LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I've never been SO excited, content and AMAZED with an employer before.... I honestly feel like I found my career home.....

Wedding plans are coming along! We're booking our honeymoon this week! Things are good and I love my life. .... God is good....ALL THE TIME!

Spiritual Growth Spurt?

2009-05-01T21:58:00.001-07:00

So I've been reading a lot more lately and just meditating on some things..... I feel very strongly that God is up to something..... but what? ( hmmm... would'nt I LIKE TO KNOW... ) it's been a long time since I've felt that burning in my spirit... that unquenchable thirst for knowledge and wisdom...but it's there... again... and now I'm not sure what to do about it! I love that feeling! It's kinda like falling in love.... or going on a first date... or kissing a boy for the first time... or getting a new puppy... ( if you like puppies.) I am constantly analyzing my life and the things and people around me... I'm a capricorn, that's what we do.... and I've noticed that my 3rd eye is slowly gaining better vision.... I would never want to know everything that God is doing or planning.... if I knew all of that I would be God... but it's so awesome and amazing to see things from a WHOLE different perspective than what the majority of people do... it's SO freeing and exciting and even sometimes sad.... a very close friend of mine has withstood some really tough things lately.... severe sickness in the family and then even a death in the family on Monday and she is the one who taught me SO many deep spiritual things so it was very hard for me to watch her go through this..... but even as I visited with her I could see already the things starting to fall into place with Gods plan.... it is so hard when we lose someone close to not get angry with God and want a full explanation as to WHY they had to go.... I still do that sometimes with my Daddy.... God knows I have had a lot've questions, but it doesn't mean I don't believe.... because I know that HE knows the beginning from the end..... He is working ALL things out for the GOOD of those who love Him.... HIS strength is made perfect in our weakness and all I need to do.... is be still and know that HE IS GOD. So I'm going about my daily life almost like I'm living in a movie theatre and watching to see what happens next!?!??! I am so in awe of my Creator that I can't even speak sometimes... and I am so thankful that He made me one of those that would question what I'm told and taught and not to go off of what everyone else thinks, or has been raised to know etc., He gave me free will to choose... a brain to learn, a seeking spirit and a teachable mind and attitude.... I have honestly never been as content in my life as I am sitting here right now......

Happiness.....

2009-04-30T13:02:00.000-07:00

Happiness is not in our circumstance but in ourselves. It is not something we see, like a rainbow, or feel, like the heat of a fire. Happiness is something we are. --John B. Sheerin

MY HAPPINESS IS NOT BASED ON ANYONE ELSES FEELINGS.... OR EVEN MY OWN... I CAN'T CHOOSE FOR SOMEONE ELSE TO BE HAPPY, JUST ME.... PROVERBS SAYS TO "CHOOSE LIFE".... SO I'M GOING TO ACTIVELY ATTEMPT TO DO JUST THAT EVERY MOMENT OF EVERY DAY.

I just finished some spiritual reading, it's official.... I think what the world would call me is a "universalist christian" and I'm feeling pretty damn good right now! A little bummed cuz I'm not gonna make the Skillet/Disciple/Decypher Down concert tonight.... but hey... maybe I should just go rock out by me-self!?!?!?!?

I have 3 more days to enjoy before starting my new job on Monday.... still super pumped and excited to see what Gods gonna do with me there.... I feel good that this is THE company I'm going to retire with.... lets hope.

Jackson and I are going to do some more wedding stuff this afternoon... .get his tux lined out, some more flowers, paper for the programs... and more little stuff like that... I can't believe I'm getting married in 72 days!!!!!!!!! ( actually, i guess I can't believe he still WANTS to marry me! ) LOL I've got to do something about my attitude problem.... I've decided I need to make myself get up earlier in the morning and have even a 5 min devotional / meditation and then also make myself go to bed earlier..... I think my proactive plan SHOULD help the bi-polar bitchy attitude I've had goin' on lately.....

Well, thats all for now... peace out homies.

What have you gotten me into!?!?

2009-04-29T09:04:00.000-07:00

Ok, I went from having email... to having email and myspace... to having EM, MS & Facebook.... then onto having EM, MS, FB & then Twitter!!! NOW It's EM, MS, FB, Twitter and a BLOG!!!! How many things to we need to stay in touch and are we really staying in touch or is the artificial "staying in touch" that justifies our lack of making time for each other!?!?!?!? Hmmm... I still think "omlette" is a strange word..... but I'm gonna go eat one. Peace out.

Kristie